#38 Let's Talk about Sex, Baby
Good Christian Sex, Come as You Are, A Christian Vision of Sexuality, “Don’t Miss Out! Book Right Now for the Journey of a Lifetime!”, "I'll Make Love to You"
Quotes & Things
I grew up in the 1990’s at the height of the era of purity culture in evangelical churches. Purity culture places an emphasis on virginity before marriage along with strict views about relationships and sexual purity. The idea of waiting to have sex with the person you are in love with and want to be married to isn’t a terrible thing, but the ideas of shame about our bodies (particularly girl’s bodies) caused damage to me and countless others who grew up under this teaching.
My parents and church were not on the crazy end of the purity culture spectrum. I didn’t have a purity ring, never attended one of those weird father/daughter purity balls. But the church youth group and Christian camps I attended taught me that my body was “bad,” should be covered up, and any sexual feelings I had should be prayed away. Virginity was held up on a pedestal, especially for girls, as something we needed to guard and protect.
When I got married, I was suddenly free to have sex, but a lifetime of these teachings where sex was wrong and sexual feelings had been labeled wrong did not make it easy for me to flip the switch that said “Sex is ok now.”
It took me years and reading lots of books, but I now have, what I believe to be, a much healthier view of sex, our bodies and how pleasure can connect us more closely to God.
Book Reviews
Good Christian Sex: Why Chastity Isn't the Only Option-And Other Things the Bible Says About Sex by Bromleigh McCleneghan
I’ve read my fair share of Christian books on sex. I remember reading Intended for Pleasure right before I got married, Lauren Winner's Real Sex (ironically a book about chastity), and several others. This one is by a more progressive Christian author than I have read before, but it lines up with my more progressive Christian views of late.
Good Christian Sex is part McCleneghan's sexual memoir (not as salacious as it sounds) and her rethinking of what God really has in mind for these sexual bodies of ours.
The author doesn't treat the Bible as a rule book, but more of a guide for what she unfortunately terms "just sex." To her, "just sex" is about the justice and ethics of sex and not to be read as, "oh, it's just sex," which is how I read it at first. I probably read it like that because I have a tendency to use the word "just" as filler in just about all my sentences. See what I just did there? For some people, there won't be enough Bible verses to justify her assertions, but she uses the story of God and his people as a whole to help us frame what love, sexual love should be.
McCleneghan's view of sex is more nuanced and frankly useful than "don't do it until you are married to a person of the opposite sex," which is the one rule to rule them all that I grew up with in the purity culture of evangelical Christianity. She is less concerned about virginity (which can mean wildly different things to different people) and is more concerned with treating each other with love and respect in each sexual encounter regardless of if that sexual encounter is in the confines of marriage or not. I think a book like this would have been much more useful to me growing up rather than the "one rule" where you are shamed for possibly going too far before marriage, but no one ever really explained where that line was, let alone talk about mutual pleasure and consent.
I also really appreciated her take on "self pleasure," which is such a much nicer word than masturbation. I liked her views on the sexuality of people who are single, and the harm we have done to this population by focusing so much of church life on marriage and family. She also takes time to discuss what fidelity in partnerships really means and what we do with the relationships that might one day end.
I highly recommend this, especially for Christian teens and for those of use who are older and suffered harm from the purity culture of our youth.
Top Quotes
"Masturbating — straight-up sexual pleasure — is neither always good nor always bad. It is simply a part of being human that can be used to delight and comfort, or as a means of avoidance and self-harm. But sexual pleasure does not in and of itself harm, anger, or dishonor God.”
"Sexual sin is less about particular acts or the way they're carried out than the way partners treat each other; sexual sin is about a lack of mutuality, reciprocity, and love. In many ways, the same rules apply in the bedroom as anywhere else: love God, love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the sexual ethics — or, more simply, the principles that guide how we practice our sexuality."
"The Christian life is less about protecting ourselves from being profaned and more about learning to risk ourselves in love."
"It may be totally ridiculous, but I think of God as something more like the inspiration that moves the master builders than the Man with the Plan. The creative energy that drives us in life, that thrives in diversity and freedom: that's God."
"Rather than a romantic, and usually incorrect, notion that fidelity means never again feeling the rush of attraction, or shutting down the part of your brain that notices lovely strangers, a Christian sense of fidelity is one grounded in mutual promise and the hope of a shared life."
"Being faithful in our relationships is sometimes harder than we might have imagined — it simply doesn't come without some effort, not for anybody — but a faithful love is also better than we might ever have imagined. Firmly grounded in a trusting relationship, we know the assurance of grace that enables us to go out into the world and love widely, deeply, and ever more perfectly in love."
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
This is absolutely one of the best books on sex I have ever read. If I had the funds, I would buy thousands of copies and mail them to every woman I know. The reason this book is so good, besides the cheeky title and cover, is that Emily Nagoski, a Ph.D. in human sexuality, writes with humor and grace and scientific evidence about how our bodies (and importantly, our brains) actually work to achieve meaningful sex.
This book is chock full of interesting and useful information, but for me two ideas stand out. First is what she calls the “accelerator” — all of the things your senses take in to get your body ready and wanting to have sex. The next is the “sexual brake” — all of the things your senses take in that tells you sex is not a good idea right now. So your accelerator might get going by a certain smell or story, but the brakes are also there and ready to place a heavy foot on the pedal if you are too stressed or you just remembered that you left a load of wet clothes in the washer. Everyone has both of these sexual mechanics, but most people usually have stronger brakes or stronger accelerators. The rest of the book is about helping you solve the issues that result in your sex life when the body of your car is not humming like you desire.
Nagoski also helps those of us who grew up with unhealthy views of sex and our bodies to undo some of that damage. In many ways, this book functions more as a workbook and has actual pages for taking notes and questionnaires and activities to help with the reader’s specific situation. This is a large book, but worth the entire read. Helpfully though, she summarizes the main points in each chapter at the end of each chapter. This book has a sex-positive world view and not a religious one, so some of what she says might make you uncomfortable or you might just completely disagree with. But the through-line of this book is to be helpful to you and your sex life, so take what helps and leave what doesn’t.
Podcast Recommendation
“A Christian Vision of Sexuality” by Charles Kiser
In this 2018 sermon from my church, Storyline Christian Community, Charles Kiser ruminates on 1 Corinthians 7:1-40, which discusses sex, marriage relationships, and being single. Charles helps explain what the text meant for those it was written to, and helps us understand a bigger picture of what Christian sexuality could be.
I re-listened to this podcast for the newsletter, but this one was already memorable to me because it introduced me to thinking about sex and sexuality on a cosmic scale. Now that may sound really woo, but when you take into account his definition of sexuality — “the energy we are born with to connect to the world” — it makes a lot of sense.
“Sexuality and spirituality are two-sides of the same coin.”
In other words, our desire for God and to be with other people is one and the same. Like a lot of people in our community, I grew up with negative views of sex, but this view opens it up to the sacred.
One thing that I didn’t remember about this sermon was the absolutely staggering wisdom of my community. Our church is small, so our sermons have a back and forth aspect to them that you won’t hear in larger churches. So many in my community spoke wisely about the harmful effects of purity culture, the truth of how hard these conversations about sex can be, and what God’s ultimate aim for our sexuality is. If you listen, even though the audio isn’t great, you can also hear a voice of dissent for what is being preached. Our community is not uniform in our thoughts, but we leave respect for differing views.
This is the best sermon on sex you are likely to hear, so I definitely recommend it.
Poetry
“Don’t Miss Out! Book Right Now for the Journey of a Lifetime!” by Imtiaz Dharker
I just listened to this poem on the Poetry Unbound podcast and thought it was a perfect fit for this discussion of sex because it is about the intimacy of knowing another person, done artfully through metaphor (so nothing explicit here). I have it printed below, but I recommend Pádraig Ó Tuama’ recitation and exploration of the poem in the podcast. He mentions that this was written after her husband died, so it makes this moment of connection all the more meaningful.
“Don’t Miss Out! Book Right Now for the Journey of a Lifetime!” by Imtiaz Dharker:
We plan a holiday, a mini-break, a long weekend, a stolen week.
We trawl the options, seek out the perfect combination of hotel
and flight, the distant beach, the extra night, consider packing
suitcases, examine the travel clothes and lotions, get as far as
tying on our baggage tags. Then I look at you standing here
in this pale grey light and think that I have miles and miles
to go before I know you, and as in any unknown country
I may wish to travel to your sites, and make repeated
visits to become familiar with you. We look out of
the bedroom window at the usual view and think
we may prefer to linger on here, where we have
each other’s endless landscapes to explore,
where I seek out your shore, you stalk my
tigers and the world will say it lost us.
This will be our stolen week, your
kiss my break, my eyes your lake
your mouth will be my Paris.
And as for Machu Picchu,
there are other routes
than dizzy altitude
to render us light-
headed, other
ways than
thin blue
air to
leave us breathless, and we are here,
not away not far but where
we want to be, still where
we were, this red arrow
pointing straight at
who we are, and
You Are
Here
“I’ll Make Love to You” by Boys II Men
I recently watched the Netflix series This is Pop, and the first episode was about Boys II Men, their quick rise to fame, their excellent harmonies, and how they were pushed out of the spotlight by white boy bands emulating them. It was a fascinating episode, but it also reminded me of this gem of a song that I heard constantly as a teenager.
There is no shortage of songs about sex, but this is one of my favorites because it focuses on consent, female pleasure, and has a pretty tame and romantic music video. Enjoy!